This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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