We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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