i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
