I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
