my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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