Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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