Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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