Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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