Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
