First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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