Michael Bay diarrhea
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
