Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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