i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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