my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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