You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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