Cold hands, warm shart.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
