i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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