two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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