My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
