Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
there's paper in my vomit.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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