Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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