Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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