I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
