is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The best revenge is premature balding
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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