She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
