The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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