You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You were trust falling into bushes
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
