i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
