Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How external is "for external use only"?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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