I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize