I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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