I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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