I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
