turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
