Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
