Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
