I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
