saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize