he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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