Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
