the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
