he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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