Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
