Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
