Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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