She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
