I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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