Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
