ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
