This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
