I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
