She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
