DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
