I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
