I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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