Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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