and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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