i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
