I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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