You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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